scream-of-consciousness;
"If you're trying to change minds and influence people it's probably not a good idea to say that virtually all elected Democrats are liars, but what the hell."
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Wednesday, September 14, 2016
A time traveler
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck. The bartender says "That is one ugly pig you got there." The lady says "That's not a pig - its a duck." Then the bartender says "I know, I was talking to the duck."
It has been a lifetime (high school in the '60's,)since I heard Hellen Keller jokes, or Pollack jokes, or Irish, or lawyer or any ethnic, employment or socially-oriented humor.
Political Correctness has made for a very humorless world.
Whaddya get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know what you call it, but you oughta see the sonofabitch pick lettuce!
And, for Spanish speakers: ¿Sabe por que los cholos prefieren los volantes muy pequeños en sus coches? ¡Por que lo hace mas fácil para manejar en esposas!
Well, for German speakers (or certain German car enthusiasts) there's this (which I think has been told here before):
A Kraut approaches a hooker. "I vant to buy zex mit you" "OK" says the girl, "I get $50 an hour". "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky". "No problem", she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So they go to his room, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck call. He fastens a spring to each of her hands and feet. "Now you vil get on your hans und knees". She complies, balancing on the springs. "Now you vill please blow zis duck call as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures its harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck call. Afterwards she says, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?" "Ah", says the German, "Das ist der 'Four-sprung duck technique'!" [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2012/sep/18/vorsprung-durch-technik-advertising-germany]
How do you get a Negro off of a trampoline? Put Velcro™ on the ceiling. How do you get the Negro off of the ceiling? Invite over 15 Mexicans and tell them it's a piñata!
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
ReplyDelete"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Don't go into there without a duck.
ReplyDeleteHe went in anyway and hit his head on the low bar.
DeLorean driver clocked by police at 88mph insists 'I wasn't trying to time travel'. Oh yes.
ReplyDeleteA termite walked into a bar and asked 'Is the bar tender here?'
ReplyDeleteTim
Helly- "Great Scot!"
ReplyDeleteKnock, Knock
Who's there?
A Time Traveler
A Time Traveler who?
Knock, Knock
What do we want?
Time travel
When do we want it?
That's irrelevant!
Luigi
A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck. The bartender says "That is one ugly pig you got there." The lady says "That's not a pig - its a duck." Then the bartender says "I know, I was talking to the duck."
ReplyDeleteHellen Keller walks into a bar.
ReplyDelete... and a table,
... and a stool,
...
Have you ever smoked a Cuban?
ReplyDeleteSure. Back in '76, in Angola, we smoked a bunch of 'em!
Caballero Andante
Hellen Keller ... Cuban ... u guys are cracking me up! What a country.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a lifetime (high school in the '60's,)since I heard Hellen Keller jokes, or Pollack jokes, or Irish, or lawyer or any ethnic, employment or socially-oriented humor.
ReplyDeletePolitical Correctness has made for a very humorless world.
Hey, don't play the game. I don't. People who know me know that I'm not "racist" nor bigot. Who else matters?
ReplyDeleteBy the by;
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Whaddya get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you call it, but you oughta see the sonofabitch pick lettuce!
And, for Spanish speakers:
¿Sabe por que los cholos prefieren los volantes muy pequeños en sus coches?
¡Por que lo hace mas fácil para manejar en esposas!
Caballero Andante
Well, for German speakers (or certain German car enthusiasts) there's this (which I think has been told here before):
ReplyDeleteA Kraut approaches a hooker.
"I vant to buy zex mit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I get $50 an hour".
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem", she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So they go to his room, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck call. He fastens a spring to each of her hands and feet.
"Now you vil get on your hans und knees".
She complies, balancing on the springs.
"Now you vill please blow zis duck call as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures its harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck call.
Afterwards she says,
"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Das ist der 'Four-sprung duck technique'!"
[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2012/sep/18/vorsprung-durch-technik-advertising-germany]
Here's one from back in the Afro hairstyle days:
ReplyDeleteHow do you get a Negro off of a trampoline?
Put Velcro™ on the ceiling.
How do you get the Negro off of the ceiling?
Invite over 15 Mexicans and tell them it's a piñata!
Why did Hellen Keller only use one hand to .... ah .... play with herself? She needed the other one to moan with. I know, I almost hate myself.
ReplyDeleteTim
You guys are the best, you bunch of racists you!
ReplyDeleteWhy did God give the
Because he hates them.
Why did he make them smell?
So blind people could hate them too.