Putting new life into dead meat

How I discovered nahcolite In the early 1930s I was was hired by a guy named Armand Hammer* to find the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis.  He saddled me with an oaf named Henry Walton who later wrote a book taking all the credit for my success, but that's another story.    During our dig (somewhere, way in  East Muhammad),  I discovered a substance I called nahcolite (the brand printed on  underwear I  purchased in Cairo)..  Tinkering with it at night, I discovered a number of properties that seemed promising, especially as a chemical leavening agent.  Walton, and not for the last time,  stabbed me in the back and told Hammer about it. Faster than you can say "Jack Benny,"  Hammer captured the market on it, marketing it as Baking Soda, He never paid me a cent.  But that's not what I wanted to tell you.   When I want back to Coral Springs, Egypt (where I made that discovery) I found something shocking.  Coral Springs was nearly covered by sand, and there were but two inhabitants; a Moslem rug merchant and a twelve year old boy.  It seems that  all the men who worked in the Arm & Hammer nahcolite mine had suddenly come down with what Achmed (the rug merchant) called "تدلى المعكرونة" (drooping noodle).  That is a condition  where the bone and muscle in the penis crumble, making it impossible to achieve what doctors call a "stiff stander." Thus, over time, the population simply died out.  It was believed that it was caused by nahcolite, but alas there was no EPA (Egyptian Penis Association) to stop the mining operation.. But that's not what I wanted to tell you. A few weeks ago I snapped out of a sound sleep (this was 9 years after that trip back to Egypt) with a vision.  I went into the kitchen and began doodling with -er, make that experimenting with Baking Soda and meat.  I made a remarkable discovery.  If  you cover a cheap piece of meat in a mixture of water and baking soda,  and refrigerate for a few hours, the meat will become as tender as a the finest rib eye.   Just be sure and rinse it with cold water before cooking; no after taste that way. You're welcome. *By way of clarification, At the time I didn't know that Armand was in the employ of Joseph Stalin, and twelve guys in the Roosevelt administration. Aside - today there is heavy mining of nahcolite in Colorado, which may explain why the state has recently become home to so many dickless liberals.