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I’ve used lessons from those old love letters to construct an
important top ten list – the top ten things NOT to write in a love
letter. Given my history, I plead with you to take my advice at your
own risk. Here it goes:
1. Wordplay isn’t play when it makes you nauseous: “I am so in love with u! Not with the letter u. But with u!”
2. Your past relationships usually aren’t a turn-on for your present
fling. “My last girlfriend was a basket case… but you seem very
mentally stable.”
3. Don’t write poetry when you’re not a poet. “Pecan pie. Why oh
why. Did I choose you for dessert. I would have rather crossed the
desert. If not for your doughy boobs.”
4. Don’t spell important words wrong. “When I look into you’re eyes… I see a reflection of myself.”
5. Don’t write anything that comes off as self-absorbed: “When I look into you’re eyes… I see a reflection of myself.”
6. Don’t put your (roommate’s) cologne on a handwritten letter to a
girl who is allergic to that cologne: “Were you trying to kill me?” (I fact, if she's allergic to cologne, dump her - ED)
7. Don’t write stuff that puts your sexuality into question (unless
that’s what you want): “I’ve seen other guys in the locker room, and…”
8. Don’t talk about fifteen kids: “Sometimes I think I want to have fifteen kids with you!”
9. Don’t belittle demons. “I know your anorexia thing sucks, but it’s really not that big a deal.”
10. Don’t quote the wrong Shakespeare line: “Draw thy tool. My naked weapon is out.”
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