Saturday, September 04, 2010

Send The Geezers, and win wars

New Rules for any war:
Send Service Vets over 50!
My old drinking buddy Deadwood Frank sent me this.  Don't know if he wrote it, but don't matter.  He could have. 

Boned Jello

You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.'

We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head, or that pants are supposed to be around the hips, not the knees These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
I think many of my readers might quibble, as do I, with one assertion Frank made, and he should know better.  See these key board strokes?

                     . . ( | )
They all make me think of women.  For starters. And I served with Teddy Roosevelt before he turned commie.


Darrell said...

Read Scalzi's Old Man's War.

DougM said...

Yeaman. As a retired AF guy, I volunteered to go back on active duty after 9/11, but my detailer said, "How old are you, sir?" I could hear a suppressed snicker.
I kind'a understand, though, 'cause the uniform I have to keep in the closet is at least three iterations out of date ... okay, forty pounds out of date.

(Turing word: reveli. Hmm, rings a bell.)

JMcD said...

"Alright sonny, I posed for your picture",said grampa Klaus DeFobic,"Now can I have my prune juice and Cutty?"

Anonymous said...

Cold dead hands...

pdwalker said...

bah, I must correct a blatant falsehood written there. I'm an old guy, and I still think about sex every 10 seconds or less - mostly about how much I miss it though.


The Old Man said...

That story was old when I was in Pleiku....

Anonymous said...

Get The Hell Offa My Lawn !!!!!!

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