Wednesday, September 21, 2011

“The Old Sea Crab"

Celebrating Our Western Culture

“The Old Sea Crab,’ perhaps the oldest oldest surviving bawdy song in English (1643), based on a traveler’s tale in Russia, ca. 1280:

Well, his wife got up and she straddled the pot ...

Now, old John Henry had a story to tell,
Singing, diddy-ah, diddy-ah ding,
Now, old John Henry had a story to tell,
And yes, by gosh, it was dirty as hell,
Singing, diddy-ah, diddy-ah ding,
Singing, diddy-ah, diddy-ah ding.

John Henry caught a sea-crab by the back bone,
And he tugged and he pulled till he finally got it home.
When he got home his wife was asleep,
So he put it in the pisspot, safe to keep.

Well, his wife got up and she straddled the pot,
And the damned old sea-crab got her by the twat.
Then she said, John Henry, there’s a devil in the pot,
And he’s got two horns and they’re red-hot!

John Henry got up in his night-clothes,
And the damned old sea-crab got him by the nose.
Then said John Henry, Won’t you let a little fart,
To blow my nose and your ass apart.

Well, she heaved and she ho’d, and she come a little bit,
And she filled John Henry’s face full of shit.
Now, of this story I know no more—
There’s an apple up my ass and you can have the core.

Well, the moral of the song is easy to define:
None of us has got an eye on our behind.
So better be sure before you squat,
There’s nothing swimming in the chamberpot.

Jargon Society


Anonymous said...

Eat Bertha's mussels
They're the best there is by far
You can eat them in the dining room
You can eat them in the bar
So when you're ashore in Baltimore
And you fancy a bite to eat
Just follow your nose to Bertha's
You'll be in for a rare old treat

Now a sailor came to Bertha's
With a problem most severe
His manly pride was atrophied
From a voyage of fourteen years
A couple of plates of mussels
Now he sings in a different key
His jib boom set right
He'll be in there tonight
And he'll never go back to sea

A lady came to Bertha's
Who wanted a daughter or son
The doctors had said
With a shake of the head
That she couldn't have either one
So she ate a plate of mussels
And she went back to her husband dear
She tuned up his crwth*
And I'll tell you the truth
She had triplets the very same year

They'll cure your diarrhea
Cure your constipation too
Just swallow a box
For your chicken pox
For the measles or the flu
So if you fancy a healthy life
Get your daily dosage straight
A plate a day of Bertha's mussels
And you'll live till you're ninety-eight

*A crwth is a Welsh stringed instrument
that looks like a cross between a violin
and the back of a fancy dining room chair.

JMcD said...

"The butler and the upstairs maid always stood by when Prisilla took to the thundermug, to assure that she did not distract herself by using reading materials, as some ill bred young ladies were wont to do."

Rodger the Real King of France said...

Which is prolly the case JMac

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