| STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At
first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,
which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded
her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.
But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started
acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant
Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4,
had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died
almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.
Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth
- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers
to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder
at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence
to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she
had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the
Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,
in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto
that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to
continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic,
semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred
tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills
& Boon novels."
Asshole.
Bitch.
Wanker.
Slut.
Get fucked.
Eat shit.
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
Go drink some tea - whore.. |
