Monday, January 23, 2006

Re-Run

Friday, August 16, 2002

  Laurie and Carl
 
Several years ago I saw a hilarious piece about dueling essays, and have tried to find it again without success.  Until Peach Z sent it to me out of the blue.  It may be apocryphal (It was Univ. Texas when I first saw it) but the text is the same.  Like Peach, I give it an A+ - RAS



     Remember the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
    The following was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
 
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. 

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. 

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. 

    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" 

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. 

    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels." 

Asshole. 
Bitch. 
Wanker. 
Slut. 
Get fucked. 
Eat shit. 
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! 
Go drink some tea - whore.. 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

(It's true, I'm easily entertained. That was too funny)

That was such and awesome example of the guy chick differences. Tell the scientists and jouranlists at Time/NewsWeek to take a break and just read this one. :D joyce

Anonymous said...

Gott-damned priceless.

MoFiZiX Gr4FiX said...

ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous: It's got nothin' tado with "guy-chick" differences. It's got more to do with the difference between someone who lives in the real world and someone who pissed away 60 grand of someone else's money on a worthless degree in psychology with a minor in journalism.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Rodger! I too, read this a long time ago and have wished that I still had a copy. Its pretty much as I remember except, in the one I saw, the last entry was from the professor giving them an A and saying how much he enjoyed it.

Post a Comment

Just type your name and post as anonymous if you don't have a Blogger profile.