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TOBACCO COMPANY SUES SECONDHAND SMOKERS
Weekly World News
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/chamber/61645
By NIGEL FLEMING
CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- The B.S. Raleigh Tobacco Company is fighting back.
They're tired of people enjoying their products for free. That's why
they've filed a $5 billion classaction lawsuit to penalize millions of
secondhand smokers.
 "If
people ain't gonna buy our cigarettes, they shouldn't be able to enjoy
other people's smoke," declared Raleigh President Frank Thermal.
B.S. Raleigh, which gives consumers a complimentary lung X-ray with
every 50 cartons smoked, currently employs 3,000 people, but Thermal
expects that number to double when on-leave workers return from cancer,
emphysema and heart disease treatment.
Lorraine Wilson, 49, founder of the Environmental Tobacco Smokers
Society, sucks in as much passive smoke as she can. "I enjoy the
mainstream variety, which is exhaled by smokers. But my husband, Tim
"Iron Lung", prefers sidestream smoke, which comes directly from lit
cigarettes."
The Wilsons frequent bars that don't obey the no-smoking law. "We nurse
a beer and suck in as much secondhand smoke as we can," Lorraine
revealed. "We're inhaling 4,000 chemical compounds, but only about 60
cause cancer. My favorite is nicotine."
Tim enjoys his hacking cough and reduced lung function. "It makes me
seem cool," he bragged. "As for all the phlegm, I can outspit any punk
in the bar."
Thermal hates people like the Wilsons. "How'd they like it if I hung
out at their bakery and got fat sucking in donut fumes. They'd probably
sue me, which is what I'm gonna do to them."
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