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You
may not admit it ladies...but we've all done something stupid like this
before:
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of
the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and
you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair
comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no
girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it
out.
*YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my rear end! (Oh how this
phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin
around it tight and pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward
body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of
bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek.
(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself...... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!.....Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
the strip.
S&%T!!!
Another deep breath.......RRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
Everything is swirly and spotted.... Do I hear crashing drums?!?!?
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with
my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want
to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair?
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
S&%T!!!!!!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my
foot down.
S&%T!!!!!!!!............ I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina?
Sealed shut.
Butt??
Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself.... "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head
may pop off"!
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than what is used to
torture prisoners of war or to sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued
together.... is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub.
In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that
convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
"So, my butt and 'who-ha' are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause.
She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from
me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on my bottom.
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?!?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night!
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your 'girlie goodies' covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I
slip into glazed donut land.
My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and it definitely scared the dickens
out of my friend, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair..................................
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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