Here's how I see it happening.
I'll be out on the deck sometime soon. I'm
whistling, sanding my molding, and listening to Limbo on my head
set. Of a sudden, Limbo announces that Nancy Pelosi has done
something particularly disgusting, even for her. Something like
-- oh, -- like attaching an amendment to a critical financial recovery
act that permanently puts 80% of our oil reserves off-limits to future
drilling. Something really bad, like that. Anyway, I am
enraged, but because I'm wearing headphones - the old fashioned KOSS
deals that weigh three pounds and sound great - because I'm wearing
them, the steam can't vent through my ears, and I collapse on the spot.
Sometime later, I have no idea how much time has passed, I'm
wakened by something soft and warm going in and out of my mouth,
which of course fills me with fear - and adrenalin.
Whoa!! Guess what? Whew! It's my Fairy godmother Ann,
giving me mouth-to-mouth. I didn't know who she was right away of
course.
Me: Who ... who are you?
FGM: I'm Ann, your fairy godmother.
She was a looker, alright, but my eyes were fixed on a flower in her groinal
region. And bosoms (fairy godmothers are naked, in case you didn't
know).
Me: Wha .. what happened?
FGM: You nearly stroked out listening to a Nancy Pelosi news item
Reminded of that awful moment, eyes rolled back and I went limp. Once again, I was resuscitated awake.
Me: Are you like a guardian angel?
FGM. Sort of, except GAs wear robes, and have wings.
Me: Well, now that you mention it, you do have nice ta-ta ---
FGM; We don't have time for that, I'm on a mission?
Me. What sort of mission?
FGM: A mission to save the United
States. I've been sent by the LOFGM, League of Fairy Godmothers, to
grant you three wishes. Three wishes which, if you choose wisely,
will save your nation from the jackals about to destroy it.
ME: For real?
FGM: For real.
Me; Okay. First wish. I want Obama to lose 45 states in the election.
FGM. Dammit, I was hoping
you wouldn't waste that wish. He was going
to lose 50 states; now it'll be 45.
Me: I'm gonna puke.
FGM: Shake it off, and hurry it up, I have a date in 30 minutes.
I was dying to know who she was dating, but her demeanor signaled no-no.
Me: Okay, I want the Republicans to win every Senate contest, and win back the House with a margin of ten.
FGM: Margin of ten? WTF? Why not win every seat, except for the Black Caucus districts ? Even I can't do that.
Me: Senate sweep and regain the House by ten!
FGM: Okay. Done. And last?
Me: I want the House Republican caucus to elect Dick Cheney Speaker of the House.
FGM: No wonder you wanted all those democrats around.
Me:
'Zactly. Around to enjoy it. When they realize that there's no
constitutional provision that the Speaker be an elected member, and that they'll
spend the next two years under Cheney's thumb, they'll ...
FGM ..commit suicide! Brilliant.
At that point I went limp again, and flopped. When no
resuscitating was taking place, I opened my eyes. No FGM.
She did leave me a wonderful magic wand, however, so I'll never go limp again.
|
