Saturday, April 04, 2009

Soccer Coach

Pussie Parents Force Coach Out
... get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering.

This team is comprised of 6- and 7-year-old girls

Massachusetts Girls Soccer Coach Resigns Over Hilarious, Possibly Insane Email
OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me.

I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.

America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

Who's with me? Go Green Death!

Military Service: None
Occupation: Shoe Sales
Highest Award Earned:  Star Scout
Grinfilled Celt

9 comments:

Aleart said...

My brother and I both coached sports teams of teenagers. He played to win, I played to have fun.

There's a huge differential on that, and I'm still not sure.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of that King of the Hill episode where Bobby joins the soccer team.

"A tie! Everybody wins!!" --Bobby's soccer coach

Anonymous said...

What I want to know is how you actually pronounce Scituate? Sounds like something someone would ask you to do before you died.

-El Tonto

Anonymous said...

"Scituate" The "c" is silent. Situate.

Rodger the Real King of France said...

As a veteran coach of kiddie basketball and baseball, and having written dozens of preseason manifestos, I thank god that I always tore up those written late at night while sucking down Manhattans. Whew.

Anonymous said...

Is this guy related to Rich Rodriguez?

Casca

Anonymous said...

I figured it would start with an "sh" sound.

-El Tonto

Anonymous said...

I just thought it was a creative way to quit his job prior to moving to Texas. That article would look great on his resume down there.
GrinfilledCelt

Anonymous said...

I had to doulble check, and indeed it did happen in Massiveclueless. One guy without a loser mentality in the state. He is as out of place there as a speedo in Anchorage.
"America loves a winner and will not tollerate a loser..." Patton, your words are no more.
Sure its kiddie soccer, but learning to love winning and hate losing is a trait best developed early on.
But then again this is 2009 Meximerica. We just elected the biggest loser, the man who will make us long for the days of Cartersque incompetence.
JeremyR

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