|
I
wanted to follow something somber with lightheartedness, but Mitch
Hedberg is both. He was profane, and a heroin addict who
committed suicide in 2005. But he's still my favorite comedian.
Here's a few of his one liners. A lot more here.
|
| “
|
I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was
slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem... I
said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know,
just start spelling it, then quit!"
I play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the
guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play
it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me
when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger!
"Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you
pull that off? Let me see that camera.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay
for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a
note that says "say thanks."
I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was "who are you?" I
had to think: is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong
station?
I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then
I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the
instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name "Kit-Kat" imprinted into the
chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving
technique. I'll go down to the factory... "you owe me some letters!"
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
|
” |
|
