Curmudgeonly & Skeptical presents Boned Jello: Secrets to a long, happy marriage

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Secrets to a long, happy marriage

An old woman is sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She suddenly blurts out—

"I love you so much, I don't know I could ever live without you."

He husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me. Talking to the wine."

Merrily

Rodger the Real King of France 7/23/2011 09:18:00 AM 5 Comments

"If the number of Islamic terror attacks continues at the current rate, candlelight vigils will soon be the number-one cause of global warming. "
Argus Hamilton

5 comments:

Anonymous said...: Some are old but,,,,

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

Zeke; 7/23/11, 11:08 AM
Anonymous said...: My wife asked me why female monthly agitation was called "PMS".

I answered, "...because Mad Cow Disease was taken."

Then the fight started.

Brigadier Major Mike; 7/23/11, 12:55 PM
Juice said...: Those were some good 'n funny ones. Thanks!; 7/23/11, 1:22 PM
Anonymous said...: A: How come suddenly you're an expert on women?
B: I got seven wives, how many you got?
A: So why aren't you at home with your seven wives?
B: I know how to marry them, nobody knows how to live with them.
A: So what did you marry them for?
B: Someday I have to tell you the facts of life.
-- The Gods Must Be Crazy
GrinfilledCelt; 7/23/11, 2:48 PM
Anonymous said...: One more good one....

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.

Zeke; 7/23/11, 7:00 PM

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Secrets to a long, happy marriage

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