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Dear
Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.
I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are
all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all
the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you
to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way
clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe
at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a
bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way
is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal
action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have
been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and
will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the
exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your
social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my
friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game
console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world
on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He
sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got
your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza
roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
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