Wednesday, October 11, 2017

A Jet Assisted Take Off





The Darwin Awards are finally out. These annual honors are given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. (Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.) This year's winner was a real rocket scientist.

And the nominees were:



Semi-finalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk… Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semi-finalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semi-finalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semi-finalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semi-finalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.

The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist....had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be a pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING, and VOTING!

Cuzzin Ricky

9 comments:

Anonymous said...


I miss the retro header very muchly, Your Highness. Just sayin'.

Sir H the Comet

watsonrg said...

I heard the JATO story over twenty years ago.

Rodger the Real King of France said...

I miss the retro header very muchly, Your Highness. Just sayin'.

Me too. Maybe Linda can restore it.

Nelson said...

I've heard the JATO story for a long time. It's pretty well proven to be false. Arizona Highway Patrol has no records or reports of such an event, and the Mythbusters tried 3 times to prove it's even possible, and failed every time. They couldn't even get the Impala above 140mph, to say nothing of 420 (420? Are we sure this story didn't come from Colorado?)

Anonymous said...

Apocryphal but still phun, 30 years later. Sad to say, I've met people that dumb and crazy, like the guy who didn't want to pay for new tires for his Harley, so he wrapped the tires in duct tape and drove to work like that for weeks.
Lt. Col. Gen. Tailgunner dick

Regnad Kcin said...

Why isn't the Hildebeast on this list ? What further qualifications does she need to placed in the top three ? C'mon people, let's push her over the top and, once and for all, make her a winner !!

Anonymous said...

Why do you doubt that the Impala in the JATO story attained the speed of 400+ mph? Computer-modeled reconstruction of Teddy Kennedy's Oldsmobile sailing off the bridge at Chappaquiddick proved that it was traveling in excess of 300 mph. How can that be?, you ask. Well, in order for the forces of gravity, momentum etc. to have whipped the panties clean off of a woman riding in the front seat, the car had to be traveling at no less than 300 mph!

The late Lewis J Elfstone

Rodger the Real King of France said...

RIP Lewis J Elfstone

Anonymous said...

If you believe these stories, boy do I have a deal for you. I own the uncontested rights to the Brooklyn Bridge. I can let you have it for a small sum...
tomw

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