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“The Old Sea Crab,’ perhaps
the oldest oldest surviving bawdy song in
English (1643), based on a traveler’s tale in Russia, ca. 1280:
Now, old John Henry had a story to tell,
Singing, diddy-ah, diddy-ah
ding,
Now, old John Henry had a story
to tell,
And yes, by gosh, it was dirty
as hell,
Singing, diddy-ah, diddy-ah
ding,
Singing, diddy-ah, diddy-ah
ding.
John Henry caught a sea-crab by
the back bone,
And he tugged and he pulled
till he finally got it home.
When he got home his wife was
asleep,
So he put it in the pisspot,
safe to keep.
Well, his wife got up and she
straddled the pot,
And the damned old sea-crab got
her by the twat.
Then she said, John Henry,
there’s a devil in the pot,
And he’s got two horns and
they’re red-hot!
John Henry got up in his
night-clothes,
And the damned old sea-crab got
him by the nose.
Then said John Henry, Won’t you
let a little fart,
To blow my nose and your ass
apart.
Well, she heaved and she ho’d,
and she come a little bit,
And she filled John Henry’s
face full of shit.
Now, of this story I know no
more—
There’s an apple up my ass and
you can have the core.
Well, the moral of the song is
easy to define:
None of us has got an eye on
our behind.
So better be sure before you
squat,
There’s nothing swimming in the
chamberpot.
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