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How I discovered nahcolite
In the
early 1930s I was was hired by a guy named Armand Hammer*
to find the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis. He saddled me
with
an oaf named Henry Walton who later wrote a book taking all the credit
for my success, but that's another story.
During our dig (somewhere, way in East Muhammad), I
discovered a substance I called nahcolite
(the brand printed on underwear I purchased in
Cairo).. Tinkering with it at night, I discovered a number of
properties that seemed promising, especially as a chemical leavening
agent. Walton, and not for the last time, stabbed me in the
back and
told Hammer about it. Faster than you can say "Jack Benny,"
Hammer
captured the market on it, marketing it as Baking Soda, He never paid
me a cent. But that's not what I wanted to tell you.
When I want back to Coral Springs, Egypt (where I made that discovery)
I found something shocking. Coral Springs was nearly covered by
sand,
and there were but two inhabitants; a Moslem rug merchant and a twelve
year old boy.
It seems that all the men who worked in the Arm & Hammer
nahcolite
mine had suddenly come down with what Achmed (the rug merchant) called "تدلى المعكرونة" (drooping
noodle). That is a condition where the bone and muscle in
the penis
crumble, making it impossible to achieve what doctors call a "stiff
stander." Thus, over time, the population simply died out. It was
believed that it was caused by nahcolite,
but alas there was no EPA (Egyptian Penis Association) to stop the mining operation.. But that's
not what I wanted to tell you.
A few weeks ago I snapped out of a sound sleep (this was 9 years after
that trip back to Egypt) with a vision. I went into the kitchen
and
began doodling with -er, make that experimenting with Baking Soda and
meat. I made a remarkable discovery. If you cover a
cheap piece of
meat in a mixture of water and baking soda, and refrigerate for a
few
hours, the meat will become as tender as a the finest rib
eye. Just
be sure and rinse it with cold water before cooking; no after taste
that way.
You're welcome.
*By way of clarification, At the time I
didn't know that Armand was in
the employ of Joseph Stalin, and twelve guys in the Roosevelt
administration.
Aside - today there is heavy mining of nahcolite
in Colorado, which may explain why the state has recently become home
to so many dickless liberals.
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