Monday, January 18, 2016

Emily Litella

KINGSMAN Meet Algore


cinema à la carte                                 

Kingsman: The Secret Service

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' 

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

Seems they made that joke into a movie.
Kingsman: The Secret Service
I haven't had so much fun since the pigs ate sister.
Samuel L. Jackson plays Al Gore
Reagan technology saves the day
(On HBO)

Elevator Cheats +

Res Ipsa Loquitur

Takin' it to the man

1. Ultimate elevator hack. To go directly to your floor, press and hold the CLOSE >|< button before the doors close. Press and hold the button for your floor while still pressing the >|< button. When the elevator starts to move, release the buttons. You will pass all other floors.


4. Put a bit of water in a glass when you microwave pizza so it doesn't get chewy.
7. Phone battery dying? Switch airplane mode ON for faster charging.
11. Your new iPhone home entertainment system!
16. Need AA batteries, but only have AAAs? Use foil on the + pole.
18. Going camping? Bring some steel wool and a 9V battery to quickly start a fire. CAREFULLY hold the leads of the battery to the steel wool placed under kindling.

And more ... lesser

When good people are the bad people

Police State         

TEXStuff Loretta Lynch Doesn't Want You to Know

How to Escape from Handcuffs

Been 155, and counting

a major award                                                 

The Constitution of the United States,
As Edited by the College Sensitivity Committee

“Something strange is happening at America’s colleges and universities. A movement is arising, undirected and driven largely by students, to scrub campuses clean of words, ideas, and subjects that might cause discomfort or give offense.”

The Constitution of the United States, As Edited by the College Sensitivity Committee


We the People [not ALL the people] of the United States [U.S.-centric!] in Order to form a more perfect Union [singles’ therapy and anatomy-neutral gingerbread persons available to uncoupled undergrads] establish Justice [students unfairly punished for “wrong” answers on organic-chemistry exam should join the Tweet for A’s study group], insure domestic Tranquility [teaching assistants who are married but still exploring their socio-sexual identities advised to stop reading now], provide for the common defence [those who have ever felt intimidated by campus security, please gather in the cafeteria, Thursday at 2 P.M., for Stoning ‘n Donuts] promote the general Welfare [warning: could cause distress to anyone not happy all the time], and secure the Blessings [anti-atheistic] of Liberty [full disclosure: I’m going outside now to dumpster-dive for lunch and do community service—it’s a beautiful day, though I mustn’t forget that the fine weather is a serious indicator of global warming] to ourselves [the Committee of Apologies feels shame that the Founding Parents used such a possessive, exclusive, and egomaniacal pronoun] and . . . [The length of this Preamble, which consists entirely of one complex sentence, is discriminatory to those suffering from A.D.D., as well as other learning issues, so we are skipping ahead to Article I, Section 1; not that we’re implying that there’s anything wrong with a disorder, or even learning, as long as it is consensual.] (original link; College Insurrection)

Read the original article:
The Constitution of the United States, As Edited by the College Sensitivity Committee (The New Yorker)

"Every constitution, then, and every law, naturally expires at the end of nineteen years. If it be enforced longer, it is an act of force, and not of right." Tom Jefferson

The subtext of which is If you allow shit to happen, it will, so God forbid we should ever be 20 years without a rebellion..

Hillary the Douchebag