Saturday, April 29, 2017


Just because stuff                  


30 things
23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I didn't know this.
With that preamble out of the way, here are 30 Life Lessons that this freshly-minted 30-year-old, Daughter Jarlsberg, who celebrated her 30th birthday yesterday, has picked up along her journey so far. Let us all learn from her wisdom...

1. Nothing good ever comes from clowns.

2. Never try to blackmail a murderer.

3. Have a flashlight in every room - you never know where you're going to be when the lights go out.

4. You can microwave regular oatmeal just like instant oatmeal.

5. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to still be bad news.

6. Understand statistics - otherwise people will lie to you with facts.

7. Understand personal finance.

8. If you're going to speed when driving, make sure someone else is going faster than you. That's who the police will pull over.

9. Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each other. Let the angry speed demons pass you.  My personal zen-like phrase is "be the rock in the river."

10. Life is too short for cheap, crappy toilet paper.

11. One's living space should be both tidy and expressive of your life and personality. This ensures that, when you are murdered, the forensics team and investigators will be able to get a clear picture of your circumstances and thus more likely to catch the killer.

12. Large groups of women can quickly turn into war zones about nothing.

13. There are more sociopaths in the world than you would think.

14. All Christmas lights are beautiful.

15. Prolonged self-pity is a form of narcissism.

16. There is a very tight correlation between parents who refuse to discipline their precious babies and parents that get easily, easily offended.

17. You can generally identify these parents before even meeting them by hearing the 'creative' names of their children. I'm looking at you, Camelot.

18. Even when they make you crazy, having a dog keeps you sane.

19. Stick up for people being bullied. You'll probably end up being bullied too, but no one should have to feel isolated and alone.

20. Very few people tolerate someone making a constant stream of puns. Keep them close and cherish them.

21. Ramen stops being cheap when you have to buy heartburn medicine to go with it.

22. Beware the quiet ones - they are the ones who, when pushed too hard, will lose their minds with rage. As the quiet one, I admit to relishing the look of absolute, pants-staining terror on the faces of those who didn't see it coming. I'm looking at you, jocks who threw french fries at me. ONCE.

23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I didn't know this.

24. Compatibility with your co-workers makes up to 99% of your job satisfaction.

25. Wear comfortable, practical shoes. You never know when the zombie apocalypse will start, and trying to run in strappy stiletto heels is a recipe for disaster.

26. Don't try to hide mistakes. It just makes things harder for everyone.

27. It's nice to have your own theme song. Mine is Academic Festival Overture by Brahms.

28. Never underestimate Japan's power to screw with your mind.

29. Life doesn't owe you a thing.

30. Sometimes, when you get stuck in a routine, it feels like your life is being lived for you. Those are the times to do something a little different - it reminds you that your life is yours.  So yeah, I am going to get that third ear piercing! Sorry Mom and Dad!



Unknown said...

The one I really take issue with is #9, "Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each other. Let the angry speed demons pass you. My personal zen-like phrase is 'be the rock in the river'."

Wrong. As G. Gordon Liddy loves to point out, it's not speed that kills; if that were so all the drivers in the Indy 500 would be dead. it's speed differential. That "rock in the river" is going to cause wrecks. The safest speed to drive is whatever speed everybody else is driving.

I'm also reminded of the difference between a moron and a lunatic. A moron is anyone driving slower than you; a lunatic is anyone driving faster than you (my dad used to say "Look at that crazy Indian!").

Otherwise, pretty good advice, although I'm not sure about trusting a woman with more than 2 ear piercings (or a man with more than 0).

Some advice of my own (based on life lessons) would be:
Never call a whore a whore, a pimp a pimp, or a chump a chump.

Rodger the Real King of France said...

Delicious comment Stu

Tom said...

Wise beyond her years.

Eskyman said...

Stu is exactly right about #9.

A better Zen-like phrase is, "be the twig in the river and go with the flow."

Why did I immediately think of H. Clinton when I read #2? It's a conundrum!

It's a real pity that such a lovely & intelligent young lady has a third ear. If she hadn't said so, I wonder if I'd have noticed? I do hope it's not in the middle of her forehead!

Jason in KT said...

Costco sells a strong, thick, full-width toilet paper. I will buy it as long as they continue to do so.

drew458 said...

I think the magic number for #5 is 3. Or 5. Or any odd number. The worst is working in an office full of women, with no men to leaven the mix. Worstest is that situation, and having an overweight, older, unattractive divorcee as boss.

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