"If you're trying to change minds and influence people it's probably not a good idea to say that virtually all elected Democrats are liars, but what the hell."
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Just because stuff
Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite,
will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I
didn't know this.
With that preamble out of the way, here are 30 Life Lessons that this
freshly-minted 30-year-old, Daughter Jarlsberg, who celebrated her 30th
birthday yesterday, has picked up along her journey so far. Let us all
learn from her wisdom...
1. Nothing good ever comes from clowns.
2. Never try to blackmail a murderer.
3. Have a flashlight in every room - you never know where you're going
to be when the lights go out.
4. You can microwave regular oatmeal just like instant oatmeal.
5. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to still be bad news.
6. Understand statistics - otherwise people will lie to you with facts.
7. Understand personal finance.
8. If you're going to speed when driving, make sure someone else is
going faster than you. That's who the police will pull over.
9. Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each
other. Let the angry speed demons pass you. My personal zen-like
phrase is "be the rock in the river."
10. Life is too short for cheap, crappy toilet paper.
11. One's living space should be both tidy and expressive of your life
and personality. This ensures that, when you are murdered, the
forensics team and investigators will be able to get a clear picture of
your circumstances and thus more likely to catch the killer.
12. Large groups of women can quickly turn into war zones about nothing.
13. There are more sociopaths in the world than you would think.
14. All Christmas lights are beautiful.
15. Prolonged self-pity is a form of narcissism.
16. There is a very tight correlation between parents who refuse to
discipline their precious babies and parents that get easily, easily
17. You can generally identify these parents before even meeting them
by hearing the 'creative' names of their children. I'm looking at you,
18. Even when they make you crazy, having a dog keeps you sane.
19. Stick up for people being bullied. You'll probably end up being
bullied too, but no one should have to feel isolated and alone.
20. Very few people tolerate someone making a constant stream of puns.
Keep them close and cherish them.
21. Ramen stops being cheap when you have to buy heartburn medicine to
go with it.
22. Beware the quiet ones - they are the ones who, when pushed too
hard, will lose their minds with rage. As the quiet one, I admit to
relishing the look of absolute, pants-staining terror on the faces of
those who didn't see it coming. I'm looking at you, jocks who threw
french fries at me. ONCE.
23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito
bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the
summers I didn't know this.
24. Compatibility with your co-workers makes up to 99% of your job
25. Wear comfortable, practical shoes. You never know when the zombie
apocalypse will start, and trying to run in strappy stiletto heels is a
recipe for disaster.
26. Don't try to hide mistakes. It just makes things harder for
27. It's nice to have your own theme song. Mine is Academic Festival
Overture by Brahms.
28. Never underestimate Japan's power to screw with your mind.
29. Life doesn't owe you a thing.
30. Sometimes, when you get stuck in a routine, it feels like your life
is being lived for you. Those are the times to do something a little
different - it reminds you that your life is yours. So yeah, I am
going to get that third ear piercing! Sorry Mom and Dad!