Telling Like It Is ...

EASTON, PA—Dreading the looks on their faces once they realized the recipe was “truly easy as fuck,” local grandmother Rosemary Guzzo, 79, confirmed Monday that she didn’t have the heart to tell her family that any dipshit can make lasagna. “No, I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. They’d be too crushed to find out I learned how to make ‘Nana’s famous lasagna’ from the back of a Barilla box,” said Guzzo, explaining that the dish involved not some old-world secret guarded by generations of Italian matriarchs, but the layering of pasta, meat, cheese, and tomato sauce. “You know what’s hard to make? Soufflé. Not lasagna. Any knuckle-dragging dumbass off the street can set an oven to 375 and pop in a baking pan.” At press time, Guzzo’s daughter had asked her to write down each step so they could enjoy the “family treasure” for years to come. METZGER: Hah!  When they stick to this, the Onion is good.  When they do their leftitsta political “humor” is when they fail.