Scrappleface on the Border

AHEM

Seeking Middle Ground, Bush Moves Border by Scott Ott (2006-05-13) — In an effort to find middle ground in the debate over illegal immigration, President George Bush followed last night’s nationally-televised speech with an announcement this morning that the U.S.-Mexican border would be moved up to Missouri. Under the president’s plan, the new southern boundary of the United States roughly follows the path of Interstate 70, which in Missouri runs from Kansas City to St. Louis. The new line extends to the east through the middle of Washington D.C., and meets the Pacific coast just north of San Francisco. An unnamed White House spokesman said the plan will relieve the pressure along the current 2,000 mile Mexican border by adding another thousand miles to it. According to the source, “The president believes the new middle-ground border demonstrates that the United States can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time.” In an effort to calm conservative Republicans, the president also announced that the new boundary would be under constant satellite surveillance and that border patrol agents would receive enforcement assistance from a fleet of B-2 Stealth bombers out of Whiteman Air Force Base in Knob Noster, Missouri.