Monday, February 07, 2011

Best Obit Ever

The Greatest Obit Ever - DIBS!
(I had to check my pulse to see if I was still alive)

  Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left.

His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference).

During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose.

He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party.

In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives.

No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"

Published in Richmond Times-Dispatch on July 9, 2006


Tim W

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Totally the best obit ever written. I am stealing, too. I would have loved to be Fred's one friend.
Buzz D

Anonymous said...

For real. He lived near me.
Lt. Col. Gen. Tailgunner dick

SoylentGreen said...

Very nice! Change a location here, change a name there and it will work for me too. Not exactly a last will but definitely a testament.

Anonymous said...

Classic. I'm making a copy of this to act as a model for my own. I doubt, however, that my Lovely Bride would allow it to be published.

Brigadier Major Mike

Anonymous said...

Are you sure he is dead? You didn't see his death certificate.

Anonymous said...

Based on the roll over part of him's O.K.
Tim

Anonymous said...

Please tell me it's not Fred Reed

(fredoneverything.net)

Anonymous said...

Are you sure he is dead?
Quite sure. I'll just say again, he lived near me, the obit is for real, and he's gone. I'll say nothing further to respect his family's privacy.
Lt. Col. Gen. Tailgunner dick

JMcD said...

Fred Reed, (fredoneverything.net),
is an admirer of Joan Baez.
No thanks.

JMcD said...

Couldn't have been Fred Reed....Fred Reed is an admirer of Joan Baez.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't have been Fred Reed
He's in Mexico somewhere, not Midlothian.

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