Thursday, May 05, 2011

Matt Labash’s Idiot’s Guide

Matt Labash’s Idiot’s Guide to the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary
  Dear Matt, I’m a conservative who plans to vote in the Virginia presidential primary next year. But I’m torn. There are so many Republicans running for president, I can’t make sense of the field. The non-crazy candidates are all boring, and the non-boring candidates are all crazy. Whom do you think I should support? —Matt C.
Palin on Water

That, a question asked of Matt Labash on Daily Caller.  Simple answer number one is: "Matt C., you ignorant slut.  Your key words are "next year,"  so don't angst-out already.  By that time it will be manifestly clear that Sarah Palin is the genuine product, and  only choice if you're actually interested in making us great again.."  But, oh no.
I’m not going to tell you whom to vote for yet, since the cycle is still young, and we’re not even certain who is running. I’m personally keeping a keen eye on the Bolton candidacy. Not John Bolton – Michael. I’m hoping he gets in. He used to date Marla Maples, so he might be due for a Trump-like surge. And I think he has posed some important questions that the other candidates have shied away from, such as “How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?”
  • John Bolton –  Don’t get me wrong, I loved his work in the Quaker Oats commercials and as a guitarist for the Doobie Brothers. But I never truly trust guys with walrus moustaches. What are they hiding in there? Odds of winning: 10,000— snip
  • Herman Cain – Cain interests me. He’s got executive experience. He’s got the fire. He can pull in black Republicans – all fourteen of them — snip
  • Ron Paul — I like Ron Paul. He’s quirky. He’s un-slick. He says what he means, and has actual convictions ... There are many good reasons not to vote for Ron Paul, as you’ll find out if you ever attend a Ron Paul convention.
  • Newt Gingrich — In many ways, the ‘90s was a great decade. It gave us the Internet, budget surpluses, welfare
    Palin on Water
    reform, and The Rachel hairstyle. Some things, however, are better left in the 90s: — snip
  • Sarah Palin — I refuse to say anything negative about Sarah Palin, since every time I do, I spend the next six weeks digging out from vicious hate mail. What her fans lack in perspective [? you fkn a**hole!], they make up for with passion. So here’s hoping that someone, if not Palin, can find a way to harness that passion and change America for the better. — snip
  • Michele  Bachmann  — A rich man’s Sarah Palin. Odds:  18-1
  • Donald Trump — this morning, I spent much time looking at photos of birds’ nests, and would belatedly like to offer Mr. Trump a retraction. His hair does not resemble an abandoned nest.— snip
Blah Blah Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels,Blah , —
and funally
  • Chris Christie – Too portly to be president. (Side note to readers: here, I am using tricky reverse psychology. After nearly a year of garnering glowing national press, Christie is so used to everybody fawning all over him, that the best way to make him run, is to pretend that you don’t want him to. And to abuse him. So stop chubby chasing, conservative pundits.) Odds of winning if he runs: 2-1. Odds of running: he said he’d rather commit suicide. Faced with the current crop of candidates, I can relate.
[Ful Fun]

3 comments:

Chris in NC said...

Sadly, I don't think she can win. It sucks, but I think she's been damaged so badly by the B.S. of the dems that I doubt she can get the nomination.

Kim said...

Remember, children: they are not called the Stupid Party for no reason.

I wouldn't trust any of them to arrange an orgy with a thousand $5-trick hookers during Fleet Week.

Bill589 said...

I agree that the leftist media has damaged Palin. But remember a couple of years ago many conservatives were saying that we can never again let the left and their media pick the Republican candidate.

Now, many conservatives say Palin can’t be elected because the left and their media has damaged her too much.

Did we forget what we said?

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