Who Said?

QUOTES Teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins. Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." The teacher turns her back, Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!" Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow?"

A RISING TRUMP ...

The Multimillionaire and the Chauffeur A multimillionaire was enjoying a cruise on his yacht when a sudden hurricane sank the ship. The millionaire and his chauffeur were the only survivors, barely managing to swim to a deserted island. Lying exhausted on the beach, the chauffeur began to panic, "We're doomed, we'll never be rescued!" The multimillionaire said, "Relax, everything will be OK, we'll be found, don't worry." The chauffeur said, "How can you be so calm? The multimillionaire said, "When my fortunes changed I donated $100,000 to PBS and NPR, As I made more and more money I kept increasing my donation until I gave over $1,000,000 last year. The chauffeur ?? "Simple", said the multimillionaire, "after consistently upping my donations to PBS and NPR, and with their annual fund raising drive in full swing and with Trump threatening to cut off their government funding - I guarantee you, they'll find me." Submitted  by Micky Mouse

So. Three Nuns ...

Three Italian nuns die when their bus wrecks and of course, they all go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter who says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I wanna' be a glamorous Sophia Loren." And poof! She's gone. The second says, "I wanna' to be a Gina Lollobrigida." And poof! She too is gone. The third nun says, "I wanna' to be just a like Sara Pipalini for six a months." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask,"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that name." "I said a Sara Pipalini," answers the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell. Who is this Sara Pipalini?" The nun then hands a newspaper to St. Peter. saying, "I was a reading this a story when the bus, she wrecks." St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." Blame RON in OHIO

Missing You

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2016 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package  with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck. Ron "I Metzger in St Louis"

Hillary's Head?

Hey There!

14th century joke

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century (for Juice)

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275: A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good." On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path." Reddit

The Arab and the Jew

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab,

“That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”

The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

Tommy "the Baker" Smith

Just the regular kind

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.  "My name is Joshua. What is yours?" asked the first boy.  "Adam," replied the second.  "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.  Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."  "Honest??" asked Joshua.  "No, just the regular kind." replied Adam.

The ICU Nurse

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms. A breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. A  nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Then, can I feel your breasts?"

John Smith's Body ...

A Kind & Generous Man John Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near;  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away-- they hadn't realized his extensive holdings. As John slips away, the nurse says,  "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". The wife replied, "The asshole had a paper route." General Petty Officer 5th Class Skyhawker Doug

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton Go Ice Fishing… How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call? With an ice fishing contest, of course! After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President. The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm. After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing. Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing! That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating. Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total! That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!” And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle! Angry Patriot via MoSup

"So, Chelsea ... ."

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. "So, Chelsea," says her mother, "you've been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?" "Well," says Chelsea, "Not according to Dad."

So a guy at the bar ....

AT THE BAR Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?" cuzzin ricky

Do you drink beer?

Man Logic This is a conversation between a man and his girlfriend. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which I answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question. Woman:    Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman:    How many beers a day? Man:    Usually about 3 Woman:    How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman:    And how long have you been drinking? Man:    About 20 years, I suppose Woman:    So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00.  In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct? Man:    Correct Woman:    If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct? Man:    Correct Woman:    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a  Ferrari? Man:    Do you drink beer? Woman:    No. Man:    Where's your Ferrari? T.Mann

Stewart Francis

One Liner Heaven You're Welcome

Positively Negative

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."  A voice from a kid in the back of the room, name of Doug, said, "Yeah, right."

Reincanation

A boy and a man sit on a couch together. The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age either."

A guy shows up late ...

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

Snails

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.  Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

So I met this woman ...

Epiphany

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, ROKU, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my Phone battery was flat, and to top it off, it was raining outside, so I could not play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a pretty nice person