Wednesday, September 16, 2015

So a guy walks into a bar ...


 I wrote a letter to my dad. I wrote, "I really enjoyed being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a really harsh turn right away.-Mitch Hedberg

There's an old Jewish man walking on the beach and he comes across a magic lantern. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want." The old Jewish man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and the Palestinians." The genie looks at the map and says, "I cannot do that. Anything else?" And so the Jewish man says, "I would like my wife to blow me one more time." The genie says, "Let me see that map again."

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle. -Anthony Jeselnik

A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, "We don't serve strings here." So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, "Uh . . . are you a string?" And the string goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."



Anonymous said...

Three bikers are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was s-w-e-et!"

Again the biker refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the biker interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"


Anonymous said...

A three legged dog walks into a bar, turns slowly to address the customers and says in a low voice "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".


DougM said...

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Marinus.
Bartender asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
Roman says, "If I wanted a double, I'd've asked for a double."

(fresh off

USMC2841 said...

In other news...AT&T announced today that they will be partnering with the Irish to accomplish their common goal of more bars in more places.

Anonymous said...

Here's a joke for all the mind readers out there:

Sir H the Comet

Anonymous said...

Sir H...
Loved the punch line...

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