I
wrote a letter to my dad. I wrote, "I really enjoyed being here," but I
accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use
it, so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad.
There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like
I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a really harsh turn right
away.-Mitch Hedberg
There's an old Jewish man walking on the beach and he comes across a
magic lantern. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the
old Jewish man, "I will grant you
anything you want." The old Jewish man pulls out a map of the
Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East
between Israelis and the Palestinians." The genie looks at the
map and says, "I cannot do that.
Anything else?" And so the Jewish man says, "I would like my wife to blow me one more
time." The genie says, "Let
me see that map again."
When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and
buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who
died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I
could just have his motorcycle. -Anthony Jeselnik
A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the
string goes
up to get a drink and the bartender says, "We don't serve strings
here." So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his
head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, "Uh . . . are
you a string?" And the string goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
