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Friday, October 17, 2008
GOODBYE AMERICA?
1 comment:
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Anonymous said...
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Lengthy rant follows:
Two separate and very distinct hemispheres comprise the human brain: the left side normally performs tasks centered in reality by using logic and reason, things such as balancing the checkbook, arranging work schedules, overhauling an engine, reloading used shotgun hulls; and the right side trips off into fantasy worlds, building castles in the air, gushing over artwork that no normal person understands, explicating poetry that seems to be hinting at something but never quite makes sense.
We need both sides to be fully human, because with only the logic side we’d all be like Mr. Spock, pure reason with no emotion, automatons, warm-blooded calculators. And with only the right side, we’d be loosey gooseys, dreamers, scribblers, doodlers, pretenders . . . you know – Democrats.
Now something has to connect the two halves of the brain so that we can be complete, integrated, balanced individuals instead of the two mirror opposites we saw when Cap’n Kirk had his yin torn away and set free from his yang and couldn’t grab his ass with both hands. The interface is achieved by a centralized subcomponent within the brain called the corpus callosum.
That busy little integrated circuit functions like an old-fashioned telephone switchboard, routing information back and forth to the appropriate terminals so that literally the left hand knows what the right hand is up to. Without it we’d never be quite able to maintain concentration on boring jobs, such as figuring our taxes, or organizing a filing system, or rebuilding a carburetor, and we’d never develop marvelous new ideas that the geek squad comes up with in wet dreams . We’d be dangerous schizophrenics, never knowing at any given moment who’s driving: Spock or McCoy, Laurel or Hardy, Dirty Harry or Monk.
In severe cases of mixed-brain dominance, or certain types of neurotic behavior, or just rampant flibbertigibbery, the two hemispheres are disconnected from each other at the higher-function level, leaving only the more basic connections intact, as in the cerebellum and other, more primitive, areas of the brain . . . so that the person can still walk and talk, or fire up a fatty without setting himself on fire . . . even fart and chew gum at the same time.
Liberals, however, seem to have completely misunderstood the whole point of the operation, and instead of merely freeing the two halves from each other to eliminate headaches or minimize disorientation or inhibit behavioral aberrations such as Tourette’s, they completely shut down the logic side and give the emotional side total and permanent control.
To give dreamers and do-gooders such one-sided authority with no dependable, rational supervision is like giving platinum cards to illegal aliens or whiskey and car keys to teen-aged boys. What we wind up with is millions of people who’ve gone all gooshy, simpering, idealistic, sympathetic, and sappy on us. They see a rapist and blame the victim. When presented with a serial killer for judgment and retribution they say his parents neglected him and his behavior isn’t his fault. When given the choice between an untried shavetail and a veteran leader, they go with the one who gives them a tingle up their leg.
The clinics where this outpatient surgery is routinely performed are as common as terrorist training camps in Afghanistan and Somalia. The procedure is open hand and leaves no scar. Penetration is achieved through the optic and auditory nerves and then straight to the switchboard and on to the reasoning repositories in an insidious and subtle onslaught, an information avalanche cleverly designed to burn out the logic modules in the left hemisphere.
By the time a child graduates from high school in most communities, the left hemisphere of his brain is atrophied, withered, and subdued. Total control over analysis, judgment, and decision-making has migrated by default to the touch-feely hemisphere, and the corpus callosum serves no more useful function than two tin cans connected with kite string.
Naturally I have a solution to this national disaster. It’s beautiful in its simplicity, entirely reasonable in its strategy, and could be implemented nation-wide within 90 days. First, all high-school principals are dismissed summarily and replaced by retired USMC Gunny Sergeants, US Navy Chief Boatswain’s Mates, or US Army Special Forces Tops.
Next, all curriculum development centers and textbook committees are directed by retired US military Warrant Officers. Then, all classroom teacher evaluations and promotions are performed by retired military personnel who have served at least one full term as boot-camp drill instructors.
Finally, all post-secondary curricula and faculty are screened and approved by three-person committees whose members include at least one retired Navy Seal and one retired Army Ranger. The third member need have no military training or experience, but must be a registered Republican.
That oughta ‘bout do it. End rant. -
10/17/08, 2:17 PM
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