Santa's Lesson

CHRISTMAS Dear Santa

Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.  I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones      ”Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy,  I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.  Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.  Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement.  You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy Timmy, That's what I thought you little sh*t bastard. Santa     Tim

Chicago Italian Beef II

CHRISTMAS Tasteful Tastiness Chicago Italian Beef II

“ Does this look magnificent, or what?  After nearly 12 hours I pulled the plug on my Italian Beef.  After allowing it to settle overnight, I fork shredded it.  By using a bottom round roast (the recipe called for rump roast) the result looked a bit more like pulled pork than Italian beef, but the taste is magnificent.  The au jus is so good I could drink it all straight up.  So, there you have it.  Merry Christmas.  ”

Caption Choices

CAPTION

Unplugged

Head Support Deal

Perfect Gizmos and Gadgets Anti-head-flop Sleep-Ade

“ Anti-head-flop Sleep-Ade, great for the traveler.  Arrive at your destination without neck-crik, or the embarrassment of having drooled on a companion's lap.   Genuine leather with simulated silver adjustable buckle.  $99.00 +S&H  from Simply Rugged.  Tell them TRKOF sent you, and receive expedited and courteous service. . ”

Fatwa on them ...

I'm calling a FATWA! Michigan sewer workers pray to graven image of muhammed (?)

Christmas Eats - Italian Beef

CHRISTMAS Christamas Eve Prep Chicago Italian Beef - In

“ (Using Bottom Round Roast) Ingredients: 3 cups water 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon ground black pepper 1 teaspoon dried oregano 1 teaspoon dried basil 1 teaspoon onion salt 1 teaspoon dried parsley 1 teaspoon garlic powder 1 bay leaf 1 (.7 ounce) package dry Italian-style salad dressing mix 1 (5 pound) rump roast Directions: 1. Combine water with salt, ground black pepper, oregano, basil, onion salt, parsley, garlic powder, bay leaf, and salad dressing mix in a saucepan. Stir well, and bring to a boil. 2. Place roast in slow cooker, and pour salad dressing mixture over the meat. 3. Cover, and cook on Low for 10 to 12 hours, or on High for 4 to 5 hours. When done, remove bay leaf, and shred meat with a fork. Will be done at midnight.  Next - making Italian rolls. ”

The Jog Strap

Last Minute Gift Idea For Him
Or her

cuzzin ricky

The Team of Boner, McConnel & Reid

Greetings from the  Firm of Boner, McConnell & Reid

“ The House ostensibly would agree to this new bill by "unanimous consent," meaning House Republican leadership would have pre-cleared this with all members. Failing to get unanimous consent would doom it. The tradeoff from Democrats in the Senate: Majority Leader Harry Reid would appoint conferees so they could have a genuine conference committee between the House and Senate to negotiate differences. [Ho Ho Ho (That's three Hos)] So, in return for giving Senate Democrats what they wanted, the Democrat Senate Majority get to appoint negotiators who will engineer a deal to last the full year.  Or am I rum groggy?  This looks like an instant replay of  August's Debt Ceiling I, where Republicans caved  and raised the debt limit to some point in a  distant galaxy.  Remember? In return for giving Democrats what they demanded, a "Commission" dominated by the freakiest Democrat senators would rule on future spending.  The absence of a compromise agreement (duh) would trigger $1.2 trillion in spending cuts spread over 10 years, split equally between defense and spending.Democrats don't care about.  Remember?  Come on Mayan calender!  Please be quicker than this slow death, ”

Mug Shot of the Day ...

INSTA-KARMA

“ Korin Vanhouten, 47, and Eldon Alexander, 36, were cited for shoplifting at WinCo Foods in Ogden. Moments later, they discovered that someone had broken into their vehicle and stolen $60 worth of items. (Weber County Jail) ”   N.O. Really

Life Sentence to Useful Idiocy

Give us the child for 8 years in America's public schools and  it will be a Bolshevik forever - like this guy. Vladimir Lenin

Secretary Vaporizes Democrat Party ...

CHRISTMAS But Wait ...

“ After Kim Gaines found a small nativity scene in a box of old Christmas decorations, she decided it would look nice on her desk in the main office at Urbana High School. Almost a week after she placed the figures on her desk, the school's secretary of eight years said she was called into Principal Kathy Campagnoli's office, where Campagnoli said staff members had told her the display promotes Christianity and that Gaines should take it down. Gaines obliged and removed the nativity scene. But then she thought about it.  Thought about how the nation's culture had been hijacked by a handful of officious pissants and liberal judges.  Kim reached under her desk, flipped open the safety cover protecting the trigger, and pressed it.  In a heartbeat every liberal in America was vaporized.  Angels sang on high and the US Dollar was the strongest currency on earth.  Some of this story is accurate; some cathartic. ”

Stealing Justice ...

Lieberman directs staff to examine Fast and Furious coordination

“ Connecticut independent Sen. Joe Lieberman has directed the staff of the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee, which he chairs, to investigate miscommunication between law enforcement agencies related to the Justice Department's Operation Fast and Furious. [Full] The prosecution of the case against Eric Holder [and inevitably Obama] is progressing much slower than I would like (he ought been removed from office by now),  but quicker than one could expect, considering Democrats control the Executive and Senate.   But that's not what I wanted to show you.  Reader Ron Metzger sent me a report he's cobbled together about Mr. Holder.  The first thing that struck me are the similarities between Obama and his A/G mysterious backgrounds.  I liked it enough to reproduce it here [Eric Holder - Stealing Justice.html].   You'll find it an interesting read, I'll warrant.  And thanks for the effort Ron.  I'm awarding you the Barn Army's Legion of Merit Ribbon with Peanut Brittle Cluster.   Here's the opening stanza .... “ Eric “The Pimp” Himpton Holder, Jr. appeared in the Bronx in luggage belonging to his father, a Barbadian who suddenly materialized in the US at the age of 11 and later became a dirt salesman. His mother could not escape her Barbadosian immigrant parents and was encouraged to reproduce. He stayed under the radar in Queens and hung around public school until the age of 10 when he was accidentally enrolled in a program for intellectually-clever rat bastards. ....  ”

Bark Bark Bark, Bark Bark Bark ...

CHRISTMAS Catch the Spirit

“ Glenn Miller Happy The family that ... er ”

Jimmy Carter is still alive ...

Former President Jimmy Carter ...

“ We were wrong. Jummy is a bigger asshole than we could ever have imagined. You know how when you go to the library there are so many books you can't decide?  I have so many examples of Jimmy Carter's bitter legacy that I finally just grabbed the first two or three Carter pics in the pile. What is it with Democrats and dictators?  FDR/Stalin (or "Uncle Joe" as he called him)?  Carter and Castro, Arafat and the Kims?  Obama and the Saudis/Chavez, et al? Gah! ”

NOLINKO

Gun Butts & Pieces Do Commies make anything that's reliable?

“ This was forwarded to me in an email (smibsid). Don't know if this is true or not, but it sure looks nasty!!! .44 Magnum accident First it was baby formula, then pet food, but now you should watch out when buying anything from China, including bright, shiny ammunition. A guy came into the police department the other day to ask a favor. He had a S&W 629 (.44 Mag) that he wanted to dispose of after a mishap at the range. He said there was a loud bang when he tested his new ammo (Chinese made), and the gun smacked him in the forehead, leaving a nice gash. Looks like when the round in the chamber went off; .... [Maryland Shooters cont] Chine4se Ammo And here I sit with a cupboard full of NORINCO 7.92x33mm.  GAH! ”

Kenny Brooks— All American Huckster ...

Kenny Brooks— All American Huckster

“ RW Forstyhe says "he would sell me"  Me too. ”

Sarah Sarah Sarah

Palin says not too late to consider presidential run

“ In an interview to air on Fox Business Network's "Follow the Money" program, the 2008 Republican nominee for vice president was asked whether she would still consider a run for the White House. "It's not too late for folks to jump in," Palin said. "Who knows what will happen in the future." [full] ” Palin is the only person in my lifetime who could pull something like this off.  It's a long shot, but brilliant in its conception.    All she needs do is place her name on all the all primary ballots, and say, "Look, you know who I am, and you know what to expect from me. " There is a good, not great, but good possibility that there' enough teaparty energy out  there to create a ground swell for her nomination. ,  One can only hope. We need a Godsend.   El Jefe

Barn Army Santa

CHRISTMAS Christmas Greetings from the Barn Army

“ Yar! Barn Army Santa Wipes His Arse With Old Growth Conifer (Santa prortrayed by Chuck Norris) ”

My trusty 10 shooter --

Gun Butts & Pieces Okay Bart—  that was six shots!

“ ” Arggghh - Oh sh_t

A Card From the Johnsons --

CHRISTMAS Honey, guess who we got a card from?

“ Tim ”