Stuff That's True

When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults. Demetri Martin

Revelations

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool. Demetri Martin

Idea

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

A+

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely. Humorist Aaron Fullerton

I can do that!

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so  every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” Demetri Martin

Up with which I will not put!

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

I win

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

What a mess

Make mine a double

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

One Liners

Maybe "today." (with toot)

Epic Liners

Yo! Get a job...

A man asks the librarian ...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "do you have that book for men with small penises?"  The librarian looks on her computer and says,"I don't know if it's in yet."  Yeah! That's the one.

seals

So, this baby seal walks into a club.

Starbucks Psycho

I saw this guy at Starbucks today.  No iPhone. No tablet. No laptop.  He just sat there drinking coffee. Like a psychopath.

Pick Six

What did one lawyer say to the other Lawyer? "We're both lawyers/" Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies A magic tractor drives down the road and turns into a field. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize What's brown and sticky? A stick

A time traveler

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”   A time traveler walks into a bar.

Since it started raining

Since it started raining all my girlfriend has done is look through the window  If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

F5

How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?  F5

So this guy ....

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick f--k.”